4 years 2 months on testosterone
It doesn’t always hurt, the ways my transition holds me back, but on days like this I think, my only dream in the world is to become a father, its the one thing I might never get.
Two weeks ago my mother looked me dead in the eye in the middle of an argument and broke my spirit, she yelled, voice full of anger “Megan…” And the rest of her words disappeared. She looked almost as broken as I was. She didn’t mean it and she felt terrible and after some tears were shed and some words were said, we moved on.
Then today something really broke me. But I didn’t cry, I didn’t yell, and I didn’t move on. You see my dad, who has always been more of a sperm donor than an actual father, told me that I’ve proven that I am “not a man”. Apparently I do not handle things the way he would like or the way he defines as a mans way. This didn’t destroy me or ruin my life, I took a deep breath and I walked away.
You see when someone loves you and hurts you, we cry because we can’t imagine ever being hurt by them.
When someone who doesn’t love you, hurts you we move on, because they never really mattered in the first place.
Have you seen my beard?!
It takes a lot to take a man like me down, to beat him senseless enough that he won’t get up and fight anymore.
I’ve been ripped open, and cut up and bled from ever inch of the body I inhabit.
For a man like me to break, we have to be destroyed… And that’s what you’ve done.
You called me the one thing you can never take back.
So no it doesn’t matter if you’ve supported me from day one or if you stand up on tv and say “I love my SON”. You broke a piece of me, that I can never get back, with one word.
It takes a real man or woman to admit they have a problem. It’s time I admit I may have one… Searching for a sexologist to handle the dysphoria I can’t get a grasp on
Tomorrow is December 10, 2013, a day I never thought I would live to see, let alone celebrate with a supportive family. You see, for those that don’t know, tomorrow is the 4 year anniversary of my first testosterone injection ever. That means just 4 years ago today I took the first step of a life long process to become happy and myself…I was a junior in high school and I am currently a junior in college, I don’t know what you think, but I think that’s something to celebrate!
Is that a girl or a boy? And you smile because today maybe you might just pass. But then you see their eyes register no facial hair, no knot in your throat, no bulge in your pants. They say it again, louder, tauntingly.
Is that a girl or a boy. This time they know the answer and they just want to see you squirm.
And you do.
And they snicker.
“IT” performed by Kavindu “Kavi” Ade.
There are no words for the emotions that this video causes.
All I have to say is wow.
Holy Shit… Just WOW 🙌
My heart melts for this
Made me cry, had to actually walk out of a room full of people and listen to it 3 times lying in my bed… This is beautiful, and tragic and perfectly damaging.
I am not perfect. I am not the best person, or friend or son or brother. I make mistakes and I let people down. But that doesn’t matter because when I die people won’t remember that one fight we had about that stupid thing, hopefully they will remember that time I drove 6 hours to save them in a snow storm, or when I stayed up all night to hold their hair while they were sick. Hopefully they’ll remember what a good father I was or that everyday I tried my best to be better. That’s the kind if man I am.
I’m watching “Boys Don’t Cry” surrounded by a group of my closest friends and even with a Transman on the tv and accepting people all around me, I feel emasculated and weak… This movie gets me every time.